Sometimes I look up to the sky, hoping for answers or simple signs to the questions I never thought were even supposed to exist in my life. There are times when I wish I wasn’t the thinker that I am. Other times I wish I wasn’t the destruction that I am. & for most times, I wish I never knew so many things.
Why is it that good things don’t last in my life?
I’m sick of this thing called Compromise because all my life I had to compromise. But I can’t stop it either, because it’s in every one’s life – no matter how long you live. But it doesn’t have to mean that I have to compromise to everything, right? Even with authorities. All I want is to be accepted for the way I function, for the way I am, for who I am. Who the fuck compromises with that ?! You either accept or don't.
Expectations should someday be classified as another cause of death. Expectations are what that’s going to kill her. But no, she claims I’ll be the one killing her. I really genuinely wish expectations never existed sometimes. She expects me to be all that but I don’t get to have them done in my own time, at my own will. She wants instant change, instant realization because she apparently cares. Don’t get me wrong, I know she does, always have & will always do. But where’s her respect for me as an individual. Has she ever looked at me – not as a child, not as an adult, not as her own, not as a student, not as a trouble maker, not as a good girl, not anything but – just as a person?
Yes, I’m still under her care but then again, I will always be no matter where I am, right? Yes, I am still studying & I don’t have a job & I don’t have my own set of financial support. I don’t have half the things kids I know have. I don’t get the decent allowance kids I know get. I’m not complaining. I get by pretty well. But she had to bring all that up. Yes, I don’t have anything but I have my fucking self. I have my fucking pride. I have my fucking family & friends. What makes her think I don’t care? Won’t she just look at/treat me with a little fucking dignity? Or is that too much to ask for, as though I’m asking her to fly me to LA & leave me there?
You know why I resort to lying to her or resort to running away for a couple of nights? It’s because I have a life that I need to live. I have myself to explore about. I have my friends to explore with & about, too. I have a life to explore, to define myself. To see what’s the purpose of my existence. To enjoy my youth. To be exposed to social grounds. To figure out my friends & acquaintances. To figure out who’s down for me. To figure out who’s just in for kicks. To take down that expectation level down a few notches to see & know who’ll stick around with me & who’ll accept me for all the shit that I am.
But there’s only one way – her way. & that’s why change, from me, can only go so far.
Mom, I love you. But I'm starting to wonder if I still do.
