Saturday, March 28
[Remember telling my boys, I..]
This isn't just purely insane. It's insane to the fricken Promax.
There can't possibly be a possibility to experience your highest high & your lowest low at the same time.
So how the fuck do I explain me?
I wanna stand up on the grandest stage, in the limelight & scream my pride out, let the world know.
& yet I'd rather stand still by the reservoir gate, under the Cigarette Tree, burning nikotinas & take all of myself in.
There's so many things I wanna say. There's yet so many same things I don't.
I'm not implying I'm on the verge of exploding. I just.. I just don't know because for most times, I think I know too much.
So the more you know, the more you don't know, as they say. Possibly. Maybe.
I was gone for a while. I still can't figure me out. Pardon me if it seems like I'm tangling up your thoughts, or even my own. I know for a fact I have tonnes of time right now. I know I have a number of things to clean up/finish. I know I wanna wind down, do a lot of little happy things. But I stay relunctant. I just do.
I wanna catch up with them many people I miss.
I wanna spend quality time with the persons I love. Yes, love. Even though I know how the world knows of my inability/incompetency to love, I still do.
I wanna watch a few sunsets.
I wanna watch beautiful night skies.
I wanna stay out in the cold & walk for ages with someone, if anyone bothers.
I wanna watch tonnes of '60s/'70s movies.
There's a realm that every single one of us live in, that may seem ridiculous to others - if not invisible. A side of every one that never made to the surface, even to the people and/or person you're closest with. In that realm, your heart gives its all. Your thoughts/imagination runs wild & free. Your deepest desires are satisfied. Your hardest falls are cushioned. Your most pure angels surround you. Your darkest devils appear when you call on them. Your highest highs are never-ending. When anything is everything, everything is anything.
Then there's reality, where every one shares with every one. When you see things with your naked eye, taste its rawness, feel its freshness, smell its harsh and/or mesmerizing aroma & hear its depth. Reality's where every one can't run away from any/every one. You see them streets, hear them on the radio & all that jazz. But you can't just believe it as it is. We're human. We're bound to have a certain part of ourselves kept uncovered even in the realness of reality. We're able to live drfiting on the surface, live shamelessly outlandishly true, or even give reality a taste of both.
Idk if any of you realize this, but I do. Not just, now. It's been a long time coming.
This just goes to show how we're never enough for ourselves. To the point where we have to drift ourselves into our realms in our heads whilst juggling reality whilst struggling with making decisions on just how much of ourselves that we want to be exposed in reality.
I know I shouldn't question this. But why're we created this way, unsatisfied ?
Anyway, I know how weirdly insane I sound throughout this post.
It's this thing called Cleaning Up & Coming Clean that I'm learning to embark on.
[Remember telling my boys, I..]
This isn't just purely insane. It's insane to the fricken Promax.
There can't possibly be a possibility to experience your highest high & your lowest low at the same time.
So how the fuck do I explain me?
I wanna stand up on the grandest stage, in the limelight & scream my pride out, let the world know.
& yet I'd rather stand still by the reservoir gate, under the Cigarette Tree, burning nikotinas & take all of myself in.
There's so many things I wanna say. There's yet so many same things I don't.
I'm not implying I'm on the verge of exploding. I just.. I just don't know because for most times, I think I know too much.
So the more you know, the more you don't know, as they say. Possibly. Maybe.
I was gone for a while. I still can't figure me out. Pardon me if it seems like I'm tangling up your thoughts, or even my own. I know for a fact I have tonnes of time right now. I know I have a number of things to clean up/finish. I know I wanna wind down, do a lot of little happy things. But I stay relunctant. I just do.
I wanna catch up with them many people I miss.
I wanna spend quality time with the persons I love. Yes, love. Even though I know how the world knows of my inability/incompetency to love, I still do.
I wanna watch a few sunsets.
I wanna watch beautiful night skies.
I wanna stay out in the cold & walk for ages with someone, if anyone bothers.
I wanna watch tonnes of '60s/'70s movies.
There's a realm that every single one of us live in, that may seem ridiculous to others - if not invisible. A side of every one that never made to the surface, even to the people and/or person you're closest with. In that realm, your heart gives its all. Your thoughts/imagination runs wild & free. Your deepest desires are satisfied. Your hardest falls are cushioned. Your most pure angels surround you. Your darkest devils appear when you call on them. Your highest highs are never-ending. When anything is everything, everything is anything.
Then there's reality, where every one shares with every one. When you see things with your naked eye, taste its rawness, feel its freshness, smell its harsh and/or mesmerizing aroma & hear its depth. Reality's where every one can't run away from any/every one. You see them streets, hear them on the radio & all that jazz. But you can't just believe it as it is. We're human. We're bound to have a certain part of ourselves kept uncovered even in the realness of reality. We're able to live drfiting on the surface, live shamelessly outlandishly true, or even give reality a taste of both.
Idk if any of you realize this, but I do. Not just, now. It's been a long time coming.
This just goes to show how we're never enough for ourselves. To the point where we have to drift ourselves into our realms in our heads whilst juggling reality whilst struggling with making decisions on just how much of ourselves that we want to be exposed in reality.
I know I shouldn't question this. But why're we created this way, unsatisfied ?
Anyway, I know how weirdly insane I sound throughout this post.
It's this thing called Cleaning Up & Coming Clean that I'm learning to embark on.
Feeling STREET at 5ish AM in the morning at 27A. This is from some time back. Pack of Marlboro, black lighter & phone belongs to me. Everything else doesn't.
rewind and click playback.
