[I don't wanna be your reason for anything now;] I walked out that door this afternoon but I left my soul trapped in this room. Even flattening my ass at the library for 5 hours straight didn't help my brain register lines for MacroE. Fucking hell. Yeah, I can't study because of you because of me.
It's always the same deal with you, innit? Yeah I admit, I screwed up one too many times. I screw up over & over again. I don't remember one day when I don't screw up by your standards. Has it ever crossed your mind that I genuinely feel bad about sneaking around behind your back, so much so I can kick my own ass in? The more you tell me the things I'm supposed to do, the more I won't. By hook or fucking crook, I fucking won't. Yeah, I'm rebellious like that. I'll see who's up to stop me. I don't want to work by your book. Actually, I haven't for a long time now. I don't want to be your reason to wear yourself down. I don't want to be your reason to your sleepless nights. I don't want to be your reason to your aching heart. I don't want to be your reason to stop trusting. If I recall correctly, you've lost that trust with me for a number of years now. I don't blame you. I just want you to stop telling me what I'm supposed to do.
I'd ask for one night, for you to STFU without any reason to it. But hell, that's not gonna happen. Not even in hell. Can't you just let me fail or succeed or get things done on my own? Because at the end of the day, it's my decision. I don't want you kicking your own head in because of the possibly wrong decisions that I make. Because it's not worth it & it's not your fault. Because it hurts to see you hurting. Because I know how much hurt I can cause & I wish to fucking stop.
I've never really been protected my whole life. So why protect me now? Frail attempt at protecting me from the bad things that the world has. Well fucking get real. Even at 17, I know there's more harm than good in the world out there. & I protect myself. & if I fail, I hold nothing against you cos you never had anything to do with this. Listen, I just don't wanna hurt you anymore but I can't help that the habit haunts me again. I can't promise you it'll end right away, but it will end. Can't you just wait? Can't you just stay patient? Like all the other times before?
Sometimes I feel like packing up my things & walking out that door again. This time I'm not coming back. I'm not even gonna look back. & I feel like running & running the fuck away. & I know where I can run to. But what the fuck for? You think I'm gonna leave behind Loco & free internet access & comfy bed & free food+drinks & bathroom with a showerhead just get back at you? I thought you knew, I'm smarter than that.
But when I leave, I'll make this clear: I'll leave this country for real. I'll leave for myself & I'm never coming back unless for a holiday or business trip. I'm working & waiting goddamn hard for that day come so I can finally embrace it. & maybe you'd be a hell lot better then. You'd be so worry-free, you'd wear that sweet smile every fucking minute of your life henceforth. If that's the only way I can truly see your happiness, then fucking hell, I hope that day is 'round the corner. I genuinely can't fucking wait.
People ask me why I grow up so quick. Heck, even I ask myself that. I taught myself to grow up & out of my young skin. Because that's the only way I know that the decisions I make & the paths in life I take & all the +ve & -ve consequences that knock on my door were mine for the taking. I am selfish. I am Queen of my own life. & there ain't no King fit enough to be part of it.
