I choose to walk away most of the time. I choose not to choose the given choices as & when I can afford to. It isn't something I'm goddamn proud of, it's just the way I'm wired. Besides, it's the only way out of getting het up over anything & probably everything. Sue me for giving too much of a fuck. I know now what I didn't expect then, so I have to deal with it.
Now you'd probably want to really sue me for total contradiction. I walk away too many times, it seems as though I'm running so far out of reach that I can't turn back even if I wanted to. & when I pluck up enough courage to come running back, nothingness awaits me. Fuck effort. The only effort that's left to burn is making the Dean's List. Go on, second guess me. & yeah, I may fail & you'll gloat. But I'm not you. I don't bring other people down, or hand them consolation prizes even before the race starts, just to make myself feel whole. I don't need no one to be whole. Truth be told, no one does.
I'd stick around for sure, provided that you're worth my time. Granted that I can afford to spend time with you.
School's been manageable since it started. I met a couple of awesome people & a great load of a certain human species that scare me. I like Mrs Raimi. She's fun nakmampos lo. Mr C C Leong's fun too. He's fucken bitchy & most of the time only I get his crude remarks about other kids & laugh like a fag while everyone else raise their eyebrows as though he paid me to laugh. I know I don't like CSA. APEL & Org Beh's funfunfun. I've been working the weekends to save up for September. [insert Gone Till September in thr background]. I can't wait for interviews & project deadlines to inch super close to my skin so I can fuck things up & totally lose it. I can't wait to be treated the way I want to. I can't wait to see the world outside of this shithole country. I can't wait to start to hate. I can't wait to quit smoking. I can't wait to put on weight from quitting smoking. I can't wait to see Alyssa break LY's heart. But I do have to wait a goddamn long time before I get the bag I want so much.
