Between what's gonna happen tomorrow & all that's past, I'm pretty much screwed. Then again, when was I never roight? So the past few days haven't been that great 'cept for the bitching/laughing parts & all the hours out of the house. I don't like home so much right now. It pretty much fucks up even the slightest good day. Seems like I'd rather rot in school than sit here, even if Loco's attached to the cable. *hugs&kissesLoco* I love you, still, very much because I'd die eons ago if there weren't you. Y'know I'm sick of I don't know what you call this. I'm not saying I'm innocent, neither am I as fucked up about life as I seem to be. Blame me for all that I am & don't point fingers at any other human on the face of this earth. Don't switch on the power on the guilt machine & go "Haven't I done enough? What have I done wrong to my own parents to get this off my child?" I don't want you to blame yourself because truth be told, you didn't want this for me. I chose to live this life like this & I'll handle the outcome & circumstances on my own. I'm not saying I don't need you but Imma take responsibility of my own actions. It kills me so much seeing you trying to figure out what wrong you've done to deserve this from me. You've done nothing wrong, I did. Stop trying to figure me out by figuring yourself out. As much as it kills you, it kills me more that I'd turn in my grave if I were dead. Stop telling me to imagine things should you die someday cos I know I'd die the day you do. Sometimes I hate you so much, I hate myself for hating you. Other times I love you so much, I hate myself for not showing it. & if I had things my way, I want to die before you do cos I could never bear a second on this planet knowing that I won't come home to you. All I'm saying is, I want you to be happy. I don't want you reapproaching yourself for whatever I've done. I know it's hard for you that I can never get along with the supposed father. I do understand what you're trying to say, I do realise how much effort you put in just to make this work. But it isn't. What do I go to school for, you'd ask whenever I'd take home with me embarrassing results to say the very least. I want to study like fuck & take all of us out of here. I know you don't belong here even if the standard of living is great. You don't deserve this. But I study like fuckinghell & I don't get them grades. You don't pressurize me & yet I keep failing you over & over again. You don't know this because I can't pluck up enough courage to tell you. I don't want to be the scab that never heals on your skin. Yes, I do realise that 'I' is very prominant in this post. I'm selfish like that, selfish for you. I do feel like a complete doofus crying over this.
