What else is there written on my fuckface? I already screwed up the haircut so what else isn't screwed? Forget the report slip because one more glance at it and I might cause the whole human race to wipeout due to eye cataract. Yeah, like the tiny voice in my head says, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. I've done my fair share of crying.
I'm disappointed with myself through and through. I studied to the core and handed in my work regularly (well from time to time, but it deserves credit) and pay attention every fucking time, lying to myself that it'll all be worth it and I should just keep holding on. I can't deny there is improvement but still. At the rate I'm going, I might as well drive myself off a cliff because not even a private school would want to take me in. I'm so sick of giving my best and never getting the best in return. I miss being a kid. Clueless to the outside world, alien to goals & achievements, not having to push yourself for all the redundant reasons and better yet, enjoy doing things you love. I've been thinking on the bus ride home. What are the things I love doing and am I enjoying them in the present day? The answer's pretty clear-cut. I know this doesn't make sense to you but I'm pretty much deeper that what I usually present myself as. Hard to believe, eh? Sirsly, I haven't been doing the things I love to for a darn long time and it doesn't help that I can't find any timeslot for them.
a) Going for long walks by the beach, simply clearing out whatever intoxication; not to cry b) Having something to look forward to despite whatever you're feeling inside c) Shopping for CDs that are worth the purchase d) Counting stars at night and wishing on them despite the fact that wishes never come true e) Being broke but never having the urge of owning something quick
I haven't done any of these for the past half a year, I suppose. Gone are the times I used to take for granted. But really, if I could have two long term personal wishes I'd wish to be happy at all times, rain or shine, getting to do what I love at least once a fortnight. The other, I'd wish to stop pushing myself just becasue I HAVE TO. I want to push myself for my own reasons.
I reckon I'm somewhat happy but I want to be truly happy. So truly happy that I wouldn't suffer from face cramps after smiling for twelve hours straight.
