4 tests over and done with, all of which are horrendously done. I did study but I'd fret over a single question and took a long time moving on to the next. I just hope I've got a good-to-go pass for all of them. I know I shouldn't be lowering my standards but this is as far as I can expect for until the papers come flying back. Oh well. It's down to 45 days before the final-term settles in. Hell, I can't chase time, even if I did I'd never catch up. I can cope with this semester's topics and but the one before. I'm so far gone from them. Anyway, I'd drawn up a 'study schedule' and for the past two days it's been productive;in the sense that I can apply the practises/memorizations onto homework given. Let's hope this will work out and outlast me throughout the examinations as well. That aside, I think the pressure is getting to me. Take that sudden outburst yesterday for instance. I don't know what to expect for the finals. I can't even picture any thoughts or images of the outcome when the report books get distributed. All I know is that being retained scares the fucking hell out of me! It doesn't help that the tiny voice in my head refuses to spout anything near positivity. I don't know, is this what you call an internal maelstrom? Cos shfuck, it does feel like one. I daren't even talk about where I want to go after Os, much less getting grades that 100% confirms my promotion to the next year. What if I don't get past that promotion gate, then what? Rot for another year and cry my heart dry everyday in a second Sec 3 life? What if I get promoted, then what? A whole year of uphilling struggle in every aspect and subject, and fret over whether or not I'll ever get through Os? I hate life as such. When nothing fucks your way and drive doesn't come knocking on your door. And when focus doesn't call you up everday like its supposed to. Especially when you have to weigh the consequences of every step you take; can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Is this unnecessary speculation? I've no idea myself. But I do know one thing: If scoring my final-term exams means bringing back that dream of planting a spot at SMU and to see my mom sport her winning smile everyday, then well it's the last straw I've got.
