i've been thinking. what if, for just one day. i could die or well, just not be visible on earth. no connections to whoever or whatever. then maybe my parents will finally be able to shut worrying about me or get me on their every nerve. sheesh. you know, i wish i could just make them extreme happy till they can't feel sadness or get angry anymore. but dammit, i can't. my mom. all she ever wants of me is to clean up my own room and maintain it the same way each day, be nice to the whole family and dig my head into the textbooks. and yeah, she wants me to be able to talk to my dad everyday without fail, just like any other kid. my dad. all he ever wants of me is to stick at home and not spend every second on Loco. and understand that he works solely to provide whatever we want. he gives almost everything i ask for. but i somehow just can't be able to accept that this is the way he's trying to make up for his love for me that he can never say. i look at him everyday he comes home, i just can't seem to say a thing. my mom usually becomes the middleman. i know he's given me everything but there's just that frozen air between us that can't be melted. and i can't learn to except the fact that he's been giving and giving and giving and never getting anything in return from me. not even a hug nor a 'thank you'. i feel guilty but i just can't bring myself to unguilt my conscious. yeah, i'm a loser, i know
kjdhds68r793786r5^&$&$*&()*)chkl maybe, just maybe. i've an angry inner child because of my failure to accept. the self-denial. the doors of my heart is just too tightly closed. not even air can get through to the inside in this situation. it's just seriously sad and too bad for myself. ):
i couldn't exactly sleep last night. i came up with this. Hari berlalu selembab setahun, Suasana gelap, gerhana berpanjangan Entah bila dapatku bangun, Terus lari dari kongkongan. Aku bingung lantas tersesat, Hati kecilku meratap kepiluan Aku bagaikan terpenjara, terjerat, Merengok, berkecamuk, tiada sebarang bantuan Merana, terasing, siapa yang tahu? Hidup ataupun mati, siapa peduli? Berseorangan sejak dilahirkan dahulu, Tinggal sebatang kara ke akhir hayat nanti. Seperti bulan tiada diteman bintang, Hanya awan hitam pura-pura menjadi kawan Putusnya tali si layang-layang, Umpama alamku yang tiada kawalan. i don't know how it's related. i don't know why it's in malay. i don't know many things right now. i don't wish to know anything anymore.
